you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize