Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
