i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
