he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How does it feel to date your dad?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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