dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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