When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
