I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
