i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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