you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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