yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
