next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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