Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
