I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
