For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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