Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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