Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
