You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
