a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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