Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize