I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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