that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
