Need sex. Gaining weight.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
