Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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