I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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