Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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