I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
