You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
