I think I died a long time ago.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
