I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
