Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
