A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
