i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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