I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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