Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Actions speak louder than pants.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
