i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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