did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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