you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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