So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
