it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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