Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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