I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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