it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
