If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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