Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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