I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize