i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
