Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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