I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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