So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
