I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
