Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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