I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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