dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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