My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
