College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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