If that was your dad, he is hot
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
